I thought I’d end the year with reflection on the past twelve months. As Dickens wrote, “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…” I couldn’t put that any better myself. I thought I’d mention the bad things first (ie the ‘whine’ in my poorly punned post title), and end on a positive.

Obviously, the worst thing that happened was losing my grandma. Though in her eighties, she was very vibrant and full of life, so it came as a huge shock to us. I have also been on a personal rollercoaster ride which has seen more ups and downs than a kangaroo…on a pogo stick…on a trampoline. As ‘Holly’ my life is a series of contradictions: much has been written about my struggle with ME/CFS and I’m happy to raise awareness of the illness whenever I can, yet I’ve been expected to be well enough to promote the book all by myself. The mere act of being ‘Holly’ and attending signings, interviews, etc, actually has a fairly negative affect on my condition. It’s a vicious circle. When I have moments of wellness, I want to fill this with as much normality as possible. It’s hard to reign yourself in, and very frustrating to be stuck indoors after one day’s over-exertion has left you exhausted for several weeks. I’m going to try harder to pace myself in 2008! Holly is probably who I am in my mind, should I have no physical encumberances, but the real me is going to have to learn not to push herself so hard. It’s about time I realised that I am not ‘normal’ and few people are! I’ve lost friends…or at least realised that I was only a mere acquaintance to people I’d thought of as friends. We’ve had to deal with financial hardship after hubby lost his job, and the stress that this brings. Basically, this year, like every other, we’ve had to accept what’s been thrown at us and deal with it the best way we all could. Just as most people do.

On the positive side of things, there was the release of my first novel, Karma, which I’ll discuss in a different post. To be honest, there have been very few moments that I can pick out that were unrelated to the book and say they were memorably good (although I did enjoy my weekend in London, which was the first holiday I’ve had in years). However, when I’ve been going through the bad things, I’ve been able to see the good in all the people around me. I always knew I had a wonderful family, but also found out who my real friends are and who I can rely on. I’ve also realised that without bad things, you can’t always appreciate the positive things that happen. I’ve also learned a lot about myself in 2007. Despite the fact that I’m poorly, I still have a lot to offer (although if you want some DIY done, or a marathon running, please ask someone else). I have regained some of the confidence I have lost over the past five years and have done some things I never dreamed that I would do (that reminds me: must learn to say ‘No’ more often in 2008).

So, whilst boredom has made me waffle (how rubbish has the TV been this Christmas???), a sore back prevents me from continuing. Off to ponder some New Year’s resolutions… Maybe I’ll speak to you later today, but if I don’t, I wish you well in 2008 and hope that it is an improvement on 2007.

It’s Boxing Day morning and I’m exhausted. Despite a lousy run-up to Christmas, we all had a fantastic Christmas Day, and I’m hoping that you did too. I got such a touching gift from someone (a Secret Santa someone). It was a little wooden plaque, with a beautiful verse and two hooks from which to hang my dogs leads. It was even personalised with their names. It was so sweet that a person, who I have never met, could go to the trouble of buying me something so appropriate and thoughtful.

Things were…different…in the morning, as my grandma used to be the link between each of the branches of the family (usually, she’d have been having lunch at one of my aunties’ houses, so one of them would have come to collect her). However, we know she would have wanted us to enjoy ourselves, and whenever something funny happened (as it invariably does), I knew she’d have been laughing with us! As my dad opened his last present (a huge box), my youngest dog started barking…which set off the oldest dog…and then my sister’s dog. They were all looking at this massive box. I tried to calm them down, saying, “It’s nothing that would interest you!” When my dad finally got the wrapping off the box, it turned out to be a pair of ‘CAT’ branded trainers!!!

Then, after being spoiled rotten, we went out for lunch. It was wonderful. The meal was SO big that I even took a photo of it (yes, I am that sad). The atmosphere was festive, the staff were attentive, the food was good and best of all, it was cheap! I was a little bit upset, seeing an elderly lady, sitting on her own opposite us. It turned out we’d all been thinking the same thing, so we invited her to sit with us for drinks. As it happens, she was in a rush as she was waiting for a taxi so she could visit her friend, who was ill. That’s the great thing about my family: no matter what ups and downs are going on in their lives, they’re always thinking of other people. My mam makes Christmas lunch for an elderly man my dad met a few years ago. She found out he had no family, and spent Christmas alone, so every year, she now picks him up and brings him to their house for tea. We all buy him presents, so he feels included. Unfortunately, this year, he was too poorly to come (he’s in his 80s). That’s how nice my mam is, and that’s the only thing that makes me a bit sad about this whole book debacle. Why? Well, y’know how Peter Kay did his ‘Mum wants a bungalow tour’? Well, my mam needs a new car, and I’d foolishly hoped that if the book took off, I could get her this…as it happens, I couldn’t even buy her a tank of petrol!!! Still, pointless dwelling on the mightabeens, isn’t it?

Not well enough to got to the in-laws house this Christmas, sadly, so hubby’s off there for Christmas mark II and my mam’s taking me to their house to lie on their sofa. I think she just wants the After Eights out of the way and knows I’m just the person for that particular job! So, I should probably get out of bed now, shouldn’t I? Hope you enjoy the rest of the festive season…or at least have a peaceful one. Take care!

It’s a few days early, but I wanted to wish everyone who takes the time to read this blog a very merry Christmas and a healthy, happy New Year. I’m grateful to each person who has bought a copy of my book, contacted me or helped me in any way. I am genuinely grateful to you all.

As I keep saying, I have met some wonderful people along this journey, many of them also affected with ME/CFS - to them especially, I wish them a healthier 2008. I know many of you, like our family, have lost someone special this year. When I go to my parents’ house on Christmas morning, there will be a gap where my Grandma usually sits and opens her presents…but it won’t be empty. It will be filled with years and years’ worth of lovely, happy memories, which will make us smile fondly. I’ll also be reminded of my Grandad everytime I hear Auld Land Syne, as he was the only one who knew all of the words when we joined hands and sang at New Year. I’ll think of my auntie Freda (technically my dad’s aunt) who used to join us on Christmas Day - she had the most friendly eyes and called us all “Honey”, in a way that made us feel special. I’ll be thinking of them, and I’ll be thinking of those of you who are dealing with your own loss this year.

Finally, I hope that Santa is good to you all and that you get everything your heart desires. And remember, “Everytime a bell rings, an angel gets its wings”, so if you go and ring some doorbells (family, friends, elderly neighbours) or make some phonecalls (maybe to someone you haven’t spoken to in a while), you’re actually performing a festive service!

Love and best wishes, Holly x

As I’ve mentioned, things have been a bit rotten lately so have been wallowing in a little self-pity…then something unexpected happens and reminds you that there are still genuinely nice people in the world. In my case, it was just a touching gesture by a few individuals (some of whom know me well, one of them not so well), but it meant a lot to me and went some way to restoring my faith in the season of goodwill. Nothing has visibly changed: I’m still ill, still half of a zero-income family, still going to miss my grandma this Christmas, still worrying about the future BUT I know have people in my life who care and that’s what makes a difference. “God bless them, every one,” as Tiny Tim may have said.